Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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