why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
