I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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