I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
