We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
