peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Randomize
