He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
