They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I am midnight drunk by noon
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
