i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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