I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
