I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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