I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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