I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
