Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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