saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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