It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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