Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
