I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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