he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
