Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
