So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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