I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
