So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
3pm strippers are depressing
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
did you just send me my own nude
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
