soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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