Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
