My Higher Power is John Stamos
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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