I hate your face
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
