one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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