Banned from zoo.
Again?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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