Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
