guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I think my moral compass just broke
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
