Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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