All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
