Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Randomize
