I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
