You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
