Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
