This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
