Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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