Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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