Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
