im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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