Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
