Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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