Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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