If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
