John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
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