Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
