Well douche your snatch and let's go!
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
