my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
