The maid of honor just puked.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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