best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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