Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
