Fine. I'll sleep in my office
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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